Wait-Gain

They also serve who only stand and wait
John Milton


If you’re going to get sick, as in “need to see doctors on a regular basis” sick, then you had better get good at waiting. I don’t mean waiting for the bus, waiting for the rain to stop, or waiting for something good to turn up on pay-per-view type of waiting. The kind of waiting I’m talking about is the gut wrenching, soul squeezing, “The doctor will be with you in a minute,” waiting that anyone with a serious illness knows about all too well.

This isn’t a rant about the medical profession and its apparent twisted sense of time, I want to talk about the psychological nature of waiting itself. The word actually means “to watch over” or simply to “watch.” This seems relatively harmless and even somewhat quaint--as in “I think I’ll just watch to see if those clouds are ever going away.” The problem, of course, comes from the time-addicted mind and its need to keep things moving. Waiting is to the mind what being stranded on the beach is to a fish. So it is that a mind forced into idleness flaps around gasping for something to worry about.

The smorgasbord of waiting that is laid out before you when you fall ill would be farcical were it not so physically, psychologically, spiritually and emotionally draining. From the time of my diagnosis to the time of my surgery six weeks passed by. There was the waiting for test results, waiting to have the procedure done, waiting for the drugs to wear off, waiting for the drugs to kick in, waiting to get into the hospital, waiting to get out of the hospital…and so forth. In the spirit of the Olympic season, I think I deserve at least the Bronze Medal in waiting.

Sure losing one’s cool seems like a good idea when asked to wait one too many times. However, it seldom has the desired effect. The inner tension that builds is simply one more form of stress that the body has to confront. The externalization of that stress on the poor receptionist, who has seen one too many meltdowns, simply earns one the extra notation in the chart, “Mr. Verano is not handling his recovery very well.” Believe me; no one waits longer than the one tagged with the asterisk “Needs to practice being more patient.”

My wife and I have chosen another course when it comes to time not spent--we engage in meditative practices. Now don’t imagine some new age couple sitting in lotus position in the oncology office chanting “Om.” What we do, instead, is turn waiting back into its origin and simply watch. We watch our breathing, watch our thoughts mindfully (without judging), and watch the ebb and flow of inner energy. In this way, our waiting becomes our practice; an invitation to meet ourselves in the present moment. In this now moment comes a sense of calm that one seldom finds while waiting to hear that both radiation and chemo are recommended . When this process really catches hold, we finds ourselves getting a little annoyed when the nurse finally arrives to take us back to see the doctor. “Just when I was on the verge of nirvana.” Oh well, there will always be next time.